HelloOoOo everybody!
I am both a romance writer as well as a romance reader, which means I know my way around a sex scene. I've written sex scenes, I read sex scenes, and I have a whole lot of opinions about sex scenes. Especially when it comes to the word choice and euphemisms romance writers choose to include, and that's what we're talking about today.
I'm breaking down some of the worst euphemisms and wordage I have read in sex scenes. This is a list I can easily expand on over the coming months. These are just the words that I have read within the last few months. If you're a romance reader, I can guarantee you have read at least half of the euphemisms on this list. Some of them are insanely common, which is mind-boggling to me. I already know that my opinions are going to be in the minority because a lot of these words are really popular. There's at least one word on this list that people are gonna be pissed about. Fortunately, I don't give a shit. Let's dive right in.
If you haven’t already, don’t forget to also subscribe to my YouTube channel for more writing tips, sarcasm, and of course, more of Princess Butters!
Number 1: Wet Folds
“Moist folds" is an alternative, but let's be honest, “wet folds” is so much worse. If you don't understand anatomy, folds represent labia, and to be honest, I'd rather you just use the word labia. “Folds” sounds like how you’d refer to the skin of a Shar Pei. “Wet fold” sounds like paper mache or an old man in the rain. I don't wanna imagine either of those things when I'm reading about sex. And it's a damn shame because labia are cute. They're pretty. Why you gotta reduce them to folds? Folding is literally my least favorite chore, and handling labia should never be a chore. It's a delight.
Number 2: Nub
This one isn't that bad. If I read a sex scene and “nub” is the only shitty word in there, I will definitely let it slide. It's just that “nub” is a stupid word to use, and this is what we are using to describe the clitoris? The place where dreams come true? Remember in Friends when Chandler described his third nipple as a “nubbin?” That's what you're giving with “nub.” An unwanted, unmentionable, embarrassing growth. Ain't nobody embarrassing the clitoris. Unless you can't find it. Again, it's not the worst word on this list, but why can't you just say “clit?” What's wrong with it? Are you scared? Clit, clit, clit! Clitty clit clit! I don't see an issue.
Number 3: And This One’s Gonna Get Me in Trouble, but Pussy
“Pussy” is just a gross word. You are so embarrassed of the vagina, you gotta name it after a fucking cat? And I realize I’m in the minority. I genuinely prefer the word “cunt” over “pussy,” at least “cunt” is a powerful word. It's got that “unt” sound. Makes you feel alive.
But “pussy” is yucky. It's just a combination of really gross words like puss and messy. Or poop and pissy. I know it's a reach, but this is where my mind goes. To each their own, but I can barely say the word “pussy” with a straight face. Getting through this point of the video has been absolute hell for me.
Number 4: Passage
This is a word often used to represent the anal canal. This is a butt situation, not a cooter situation. But calling it a “passage” just makes the asshole feel like the wardrobe to Narnia. “Open this rosebud and find yourself in the passage to wondrous pleasure.” It's not gross or unpleasant. It's just doing too much. At the end of the day, this is the place where shit comes out of it. It ain't that deep. Or is it? You can absolutely dress up the booty hole, but “passage” just feels a little too fancy.
Number 5: Quivering Hole
We are, once again, talking about the butt. “His butthole was quivering and quavering and doing all sorts of magic tricks.” This is another situation where I feel like we are focusing too much on anatomy, to the point of comedy. It's not sexy. No one wants that. I mean, maybe someone does. You're watching this video. Did you like that?
Number 6: Thick Pearly Ribbons
We're not talking about bows. We're talking about jizzim. Semen is something I never need described. I know what it looks like, I don't need the purple prose. You’re trying to romanticize it, and quite frankly, you're putting lipstick on a pig. It's goo that comes out of the tip of a penis. Calling baby batter “pearly ribbons” feels like calling diarrhea mahogany streams. At the end of the day, it's just a big ole mess. Just say the dude came. I don't need a vivid picture. I just wanna make sure that his partner had a washcloth, or at the very least swallowed.
Number 7: Meat Stick, Meat Rod, or Meat Wand
Basically anything with meat. I have absolutely read all of these in different novels, and the lobotomy is scheduled for Friday. There's not a whole lot you can say here, except for the obvious, it's a dick. Call it a “dick.” You can call it a “cock,” you can call it a “shaft” or “erection.” Maybe, if you're writing fantasy, you call it a “manhood.” The point you've got options. But if you're reaching for “meat stick,” you're probably a shit writer, or maybe you're just hungry. Same with “meat rod.” “Meat wand” is just plain offensive. Ain't nothing magical about most penises. Except how they magically appear smaller than promised 90% of the time.
Number 8: Impale
This is often used to describe a penis entering a hole. “Impale” is a word meaning pierce with a sharp instrument. I don't care who you are, that is not sexy. First and foremost, a sharp penis? That is a weapon, get it away from me. And no one wants a sharp instrument piercing their most private of places. There are literal horror movies written about this. There are so many words you could have chosen like “enter,” “fill,” “penetrate,” “thrust” —not “impale!” A word used to describe murder. This is a time to put down the thesaurus and maybe stick to the basics. Or learn the basics if you haven't already. I wouldn't be surprised.
Number 9: Mound
When you say “mound,” I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I had to Google it. I have since learned that it is in reference to the mons pubis which is the fatty area above the crotch. Sometimes this area is rounded, which is why some writers refer to it as a “mound,” which literally means a round pile. You chose to describe this woman's upper crotchal region as a pile of fat because that's the sexy way to go. And whenever I read about it, this area is usually being fondled. So now we just get to sit back and imagine someone's upper crotch fat being diddled. The whole thing is just unsexy and kind of offensive. Who wants their fatty area to be referenced as a fucking “mound?” I honestly think this is a part of the body that doesn't really need to be referenced in sex scenes. You're doing too much, and you're being rude about it.
Number 10: Big, Bouncing Boobies
I wish I could say this was a joke. I wish I could say that I didn’t actually read this in a novel, or at the very least that it was satire. But someone wrote “big, bouncing boobies” with full confidence and expected us to be aroused. Even though that's a phrase that's typically reserved for twelve-year-old boys. Boobs are lovely, big boobs are lovely, and it's extra lovely when they bounce. But maybe “big, bouncing boobies” isn't the best phrase to use for a scene that's intended to be sexy. You can literally describe the same situation with language that doesn't sound like it came from a Jayden, Cayden, and Layden group chat. This is a testament to the fact that word choice matters because this situation is delightful, but it sounds like it's coming from a middle school bully.
So that's all I've got for you today!
This list is pretty tame as far as sex scenes go. I have seen some wild shit out there. Maybe I'll address it in my next video. What's the most off-putting word you've read in a sex scene? Comment below.
Follow Me!
Buy My Books!
CHECK OUT THE SAVIOR’S CHAMPION:
CHECK OUT THE SAVIOR'S SISTER:
Comments